For the Red Wings:
- Chris Osgood has to age at least a little. He looks like he could be my kid brother. I’m only 23.
- Mike Babcock has to wear fedoras to every game. This is crucial.
- Ozzie’s calendar is only allowed to include the months of April, May, and June. They’ll just cycle through four times a year each.
- Nobody else in a Wings uniform is allowed to get hurt. Ever.
- The Wings have to release a new line of stylish tin foil hats for fans with fashion sense.
- Wings games are now state-wide holidays. No class or work can be scheduled during them.
- Darren Helm has to learn how to finish his chances.
- Pavel Datsyuk has to make an exercise video based off of his pre-game stretching routine. Move over, Richard Simmons.
- The 19th day of each month should also be a holiday on which everyone is required to wear Wings apparel.
- The Wings get a restraining order against Brad Watson and Dennis LaRue so we never have to see them again.
- Mickey Redmond must be unleashed on the telestrator at least once per period during each and every broadcast.
- Sorry, MacLean, the ‘stache has to go.
- Larry Murphy’s makeup artist is fired. Now.
- The Zetterberg fangirls have lost their privilege to vote for the player of the game.
- “Kronwalled” is hereby added to the dictionary.
- No more shutout losses. I won’t allow it.
- The Wings’ powerplay needs to figure out a way to score on a regular basis.
- Ville Leino has to race Darren Helm so that I can point and laugh.
- All NHL broadcasts must include the word “fabulosity” at least once.
- Mike Milbury and Pierre McGuire are banned. There’s really no need for anyone to ever hear them speak again.
- Gary Bettman must be constantly followed by an entourage of fans who walk behind him and boo him. Everywhere he goes, they follow.
- Nobody gets to use the word “fronting” any more. It’s to be permanently deleted from everyone’s vocabulary.
- Ditto for “time and space.”
- Whining is now a 5 minute major. Boo hoo, he touched you with his stick. You’re a grown man who’s making more money to play a game than I’ll ever make in my life. Man up. This also applies to my little sister.
- No more ads with Sidney Crosby. Seriously. We don’t want to see his face.
- Dennis LaRue and Brad Watson will both win the lottery only to find out that the lotto agency “intended to blow” the whistle before their numbers were drawn. They don’t get a penny.
- Versus must learn to show appropriate replays. You know, things like penalties that might be important to the game.
- All sports bars are required to carry Versus. No excuses.
- NBC has to stop pretending that nobody has ever seen a hockey game before when it broadcasts games. Believe it or not, not all of us need to have the concept of a powerplay explained to us.
- Third jerseys are no longer permitted.
- Ditto for pink ones. These are a travesty.
- Nobody talks about Crosby’s dryer or the Lucky Loony ever again. Enough is enough.
- The league has to market at least one team in the West not located in Chicago. I’m sick of seeing all the hype directed at the Eastern Conference when statistics clearly show that the West is superior.
- It's pronounced twenty-ten. Get with the program.
- All slow walkers (who are not elderly…we’ll give them a pass) will be banished to Siberia.
- Lolspeak must die a miserable, painful death. You look like a moron when you write like that. And I judge you.
- Anyone who leaves shopping carts in the middle of parking lots without returning them to the cart corral will have their driver's license revoked.
- Nobody over the age of 13 is allowed to have a fauxhawk. I’m looking at you, Bertuzzi.
- Stores are no longer allowed to claim something is on clearance if it’s only 30% off. 30% is not a clearance. It’s just a good sale. At half off, we’ll talk.
- If you don’t feel like driving the speed limit, you’re banned from the freeway. Take the side streets. I have places to be, and I’d like to get there in a timely manner.
- Twelve-year-olds don’t need fancy phones and unlimited text message plans.
- Using a kid leash is now considered child abuse.
- Waking up before 8 AM is prohibited.
- The minimum tip for adequate service is 15%. And that’s pretty stingy. 20% should be your baseline. Servers have bills to pay, and rely on tips for their living. Complementing them is nice, but before leaving a bad tip, stop and consider whether kind words from a stranger would help you make your car payment.
- All Crocs and Ugs must be burned.
- Ditto for anything Twilight related. In fact, the word “twilight” is also banned, except for when referring to dusk.
- Lady Gaga=gone. ASAP.
- If you walk down the middle of a parking lot aisle and block traffic, you can legally be run over by the cars trying to get through. You're fair game at that point.
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